Letters
by Fifth Horseman
Summary: Misato has mail, and it's not an application for a Yebisu discount card. Second Chapter now added. You wanted it, you got it.
1. Chapter 1

******Disclaimer:**I don't own NGE or anything else of significant value. You want to sue, you get nada.

Greetings from the Great White North. Normally, I write original, action oriented fiction, mostly for my own amusement, (and its cathartic value), but I have decided to take a stab at fan fiction. I find it to be a lot of fun.

Enjoy.

And don't ask what I did to the other four horsemen, it wasn't pretty. (I get cranky when I'm out of beer)

**Letters**

**_Chapter One:_**

Misato Katsuragi wearily slid open the door to her apartment after another long day at the cesspool of secrets known as NERV. She was so tired that she could have collapsed in the hallway and slept right there on the floor.

"I'm home," she called, as she kicked off her shoes, hoping to get an answer from Shinji. She wasn't surprised when she didn't get one, but it hurt all the same. Her shoulders seemed to slump even further as she hesitantly made her way to his room. He had been a mess ever since he had killed Kaworu, the Seventeenth Angel. Hell, she had been a mess too ever since Kaji had left his last message on her machine, knowing that he would soon be dead. She had thrown herself into pursuing the information he had left her in an effort not only to uncover everything she could, but to also try and put him out of her head.

On one hand, she loved him. On the other, she realized that she had been nothing more than a willing fuck to him. He had not hesitated in helping her dirty herself to the point that she couldn't stand herself. That had been her desire after all, and she had pursued it with vigour, drinking and fucking her way to social disrespectability. He never once said he loved her, never once treated her as anything more than a whore. No matter how hard she tried not too, she always wound up giving in to him in the end. Misato had gotten what she wanted. She was disgusted with herself, but she couldn't seem to break the cycle. And now, she couldn't even look after a troubled fourteen year old boy who had accepted her, warts and all.

Shinji meant a great deal to her. He had made her apartment seem like a real home and had probably looked after her more than she had looked after him. He was a kind hearted soul, manipulated into an impossible life by his bastard of a father. He had suffered so much, some of it at her hands since she was his commanding officer and had no choice but to send him out to risk his life piloting a gigantic, purple, biomechanical weapon. She had been helpless to stop Shinji's decline into depression and despair, and as her own problems mounted, along with Asuka ending up catatonic and in the hospital, they now seemed to be farther apart than before he came to Tokyo 3.

She stopped outside his door and gently let her fingers run over the plaque she had placed there shortly after he had moved in. 'Shinji's Lovely Suite'. She gently knocked on the door.

"Shinji, are you there?" When she got no response she knocked louder, figuring he must be listening to his ever present SDAT.

"Shinji?" She quietly slid his door open to find that he wasn't there. She did notice that his room had been cleaned, something the usually neat freakish boy hadn't done in a couple of weeks. As she went down the hall to check the bathroom, she opened the door to Asuka's room and saw that it had been tidied up as well. The bathroom was freshly cleaned too, and the laundry was done, but there was still no sign of Shinji. She checked her own room and found that it was spotless as well.

"Wow," she said in slightly higher spirits. "Maybe he was feeling a little better today if he actually got up and did all this." She was worried about where he might be, his recent mood making her imagine all kinds of morbid possibilities. She quickly dialled up Section Two on her cell and inquired about his location. She was informed that 'The Third Child was seen entering NERV approximately forty five minutes ago in the company of the First Child'. Considering his reaction to Rei after learning of her clones, she though it a little odd that he would be with her, but she was not too worried about it. She could not see where Rei would ever do anything to hurt him, or that he would ever hurt her.

She took off her uniform jacket and tossed it on her futon, then picked it up and hung it up where it belonged. She could at least try to keep it neat for once. She changed into her usual household attire of a pair of very short cut offs and a loose tank top, sans bra, and swept her purple tresses up into a ponytail. After stopping in the bathroom to splash some water on her face, she headed to the kitchen to find something edible. Two things immediately caught her attention. There was a plain white envelope on the table, and laying across it was a single red rose.

"What the…?" She examined the envelope and saw her name written on the front in Shinji's neat and precise handwriting. She smelled the rose and saw that it was still very fresh, indeed confirming that he hadn't been gone long. She smiled lightly. "Getting romantic on me Shinji-kun?"

She sat down and carefully opened the envelope and removed several hand written pages, all in Shinji's neat script. She was curious, but also dreading what this might be all about. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Okay Misato, just relax and read it. Don't go jumping to conclusions."

_Misato:_

_'Don't worry, I haven't run away. Please accept the rose as an apology for not being here when you got home, and for the things I am about to explain. Oddly enough, cowardly little me is on a mission to save the world from that bastard father of mine. Even more odd is that I, 'Invincible baka Shinji', seem to have found enough of a spine somewhere to try.'_

"Oh shit!" Misato blurted.

PenPen, who had just stuck his head out of his refrigerator, heard her words and decided it was best to go back to reading the paper.

_'While you read this, I am on my way to Terminal Dogma to destroy the Angel there. I write this letter to you, because I want someone to know what I have done, should I not return. Let me explain how I got to this point._

_Three nights ago, as I tried to escape from the world through my SDAT, I fell asleep and had the strangest dream. I was sitting in a chair in the middle of an abandoned theatre, and my life was under scrutiny by everyone I have gotten to know since I came to Tokyo 3. I was forced to see and analyze my life, to admit that my behaviour was because I hate myself. I was having trouble grasping the concept of our lives being shaped by how others see us and how we see the way they see us. I couldn't understand that just because there was pain, it didn't mean that there wasn't happiness to be had, if only I would give myself a chance to see and feel it. It was painful to see that everything I thought about how I was treated by others was so twisted in my head. I finally came to understand the nature of it and that I had to accept life on a day to day basis, to accept it from a simpler point of view. If I can learn to like myself, at least a little bit, then maybe things will be okay._

_I wasn't the only one who underwent the process. Rei, Asuka, and you all underwent the same thing. We all were forced to confront our problems, naked and vulnerable to the world. I now know what has shaped Rei, Asuka and you into the people you are. I talked to Rei and after I told her this, she recalled the same events.'_

Misato's hand shot to her mouth. "Oh no!" She had just had a sudden flash memory of what Shinji was talking about. She remembered waking up and having a very strange feeling that night. She now recalled her own narrative of why she behaved the way she did, her desire to destroy the good girl she had always tried to be, hoping that her father would drop his work long enough to actually stay home and pay attention to his family. She placed her hand over the scar beneath her breasts, her souvenir from surviving Second Impact, the disaster caused by her father and his research team. In that dream, Shinji had seen her whoring herself to Kaji, debasing herself in her need to be filthy. He knew.

Tears came to her eyes. "You were never supposed to see that side of me Shinji. I never wanted you to see me like that. I'm so sorry."

_'Now I understand what has hurt you so much Misato. I understand now that we all have demons and we all make mistakes, lots of them, but we have to keep going and learn from it. I don't think any less of you, you are still my Misato. I still love you.'_

She had to stop for a moment to gather herself and found a slight smile creeping onto her face Those few words meant more to her right then, than she could possibly ever explain.

_'When I awoke, I began to analyze my relationship with everyone and I realized what a self pitying ass I've been. At the same time, I realized how I got to that point and that if I was ever going to make anything of myself, I needed to stop acting that way and take a stand. It was like a light bulb suddenly went on in my head and I realized in that instant that I could either start fresh, or continue my downward slide. I'm tired of the way I was going through life and I needed to make an effort to change, or die. I don't want to die._

_The next morning, after you left for work, I found that your computer was still on. You had pulled an all nighter and fell asleep there, but forgot to turn it off. I read all of the information that Kaji left you and I decided that this was were I would make my stand. Needless to say, when combined with what I already knew and with what I was able to put together after I finally started thinking with a rational mind, I was pissed. That's when I went to see Rei. If anyone knew anything about what was going on, it would be her. It took a bit of convincing, but she told me everything she knew. It seems the third version of the First Child has had enough of my father's plans as well. Did you know that this Rei is an Angel?'_

"WHHAAATTT!"

PenPen had once again stuck his head out of his fridge, only to quickly retreat back inside again.

_'I won't go into long detail here, because there are others who can explain it better than I can. I'm still a little overwhelmed by it. My father's scenario and SEELE's are largely the same. Cause Third Impact and end the world. SEELE thinks human kind has reached an evolutionary dead end and wants to unite all souls into one. Father wants to do it so he can be with my mother again. That's why he created Rei, to be the device by which he could be reunited with her. Everything about her was part of my father's scenario, including her death and rebirth as an Angel. I knew my father was a bastard, but I never truly realized what a sick bastard he really was.'_

"Welcome to the club," she huffed.

_'Don't worry about Rei being Angel, she's on our side. She wants to live. She has abandoned his scenario because she has found that maybe her life can have a purpose other than the destruction of mankind. I had to do a lot of convincing on that one.'_

"I'll bet," Misato grumbled, not sure if she was convinced by his reassurances.

_'Rei and I have put together a plan to stop this. The first thing we did was recruit Dr. Akagi. Believe me, it wasn't easy. Through his manipulations my father has hurt her very badly and she is bitter and maybe a little nuts. After three hours of arguing, pleading, logic, and a promise to let her be the one to take him down, she agreed to help. I know everything she has done has hurt your relationship with her, but I hope she can find a way to redeem herself.'_

"I hope so too Shinji," Misato sighed. "She was a good friend."

_'The second thing we did was to go to Unit 01 so I could talk to my mom. Did I mention that my mother is the soul within Unit 01?'_

"What!"

_'With my mind less cluttered by my problems and with a purpose in mind, I was able to hit a higher synch rate and with a lot of effort, I was able to find my mom's soul and talk to her. You would be surprised what people will tell a giant purple biomech when they don't think it can hear them. Father stood in front of Unit 01 many nights and spoke of his plans, telling mom that they would be together again soon. To put it mildly, she is not happy with him and told me a lot of things about this whole mess. She also told me that there might be a way to separate her from Unit 01 when this is over. After all, Ritsuko's attempt to separate me from it when I was absorbed would have worked if I hadn't been resisting it. That alone has given me an even greater desire to see this through.'_

"I hope that's true," Misato said quietly. "I hope you can get your mom back."

_'She asked me why I was doing it, besides the obvious one of saving the world (and retaining my title of 'Invincible Shinji')'_

Misato smiled at his humour. It was a rarely used, or seen, part of him.

_'I told her it was because I wanted my friends to have a future, to have a better life. But I'm doing it especially for one person in particular. Someone very special to me, someone who I am in love with.'_

This left Misato scratching her head. "I didn't know he was in love with anybody. He was always so scared of contact, physical or emotional. I wonder who it is."

_'If all goes well, the last of the Angels will be gone. I will destroy the Angel in Terminal Dogma, Ritsuko will take down father and remove the embryonic form of Adam that is grafted to his right hand (I forgot to mention that didn't I?)'_

"GAHHH!" Misato exclaimed, nearly falling out of her chair. "Gendo has the First Angel attached to his hand! He's fucking insane! And yes, you did forget to mention it you little baka!"

_'That's why Kaji was on 'Over the Rainbow' when we met Asuka. He was transporting Adam to Tokyo 3 for my father. I'm sorry Misato.'_

That piece of news hit her like a slap in the face. "Kaji… you fucking moron! How the hell did I ever fall in love with an asshole like you! Did I even know you at all?" It took her a few minutes to get herself together again.

_'While this is going on, Ritsuko will use the MAGI to send all of the information she has about my father and SEELE to some people who will make good use of it. There is still a chance that SEELE will attack NERV, but mom and I will do everything we can to protect it. Ritsuko is having Maya and the others on the bridge crew work out an evacuation plan, hopefully without my father knowing about it. Even if SEELE does do something, it won't be for a couple of days, at least according to Ritsuko.'_

"I hope to hell she's right!"

'_Please don't worry Misato, I will be okay. Where else would I be safer than inside Unit 01 with my mom to protect me, and how much better could I do for a bodyguard than an Angel, right? Rei has sworn to protect me and you know how she is when she decides on something.'_

"That I can agree with."

_'I left dinner for you, it's in the oven. The temperature is already set, just turn it on for HALF AN HOUR, NO LONGER OR YOU'LL WRECK IT!'_

"Geez, all right already! I get it, I'm a horrible cook." She turned the oven on and opened the door to see what was there, catching a wiff of curried chicken. "You're too good to me Shinji, I don't deserve you."

_'I know you've been cutting back on the beer lately, and I'm proud of you, but I left two cold ones in the fridge for you along with dessert. Enjoy dinner, and try not to worry.'_

"How the hell can I not worry!"

_'Take a nice long, hot bath and get a good nights sleep. I will see you tomorrow at NERV. Please, don't go back there before then. (To make sure you don't, I asked Ritsuko to block your security card until 0800)'_

_Shinji_

Misato let out a long breath. She read the letter again and then sat in silence, contemplating everything he had written. She was worried, but she was also proud of him. He had found the courage she knew was always within him. He was a man now. Some might disagree with that, but how many men would have made the decisions he had? How many would do what Shinji had already done? How many would pilot an Eva, a thing that they never even knew existed, until five minutes before they were getting the crap beaten out of them in it? How many would continue to do it despite the pain they felt, and through the inner turmoil Shinji had experienced?

"None, that's how many," she said aloud. "He may only be fourteen, but he's more of a man than any man I've ever met."

She put the letter back in the envelope and opened the fridge. Inside were two cold cans of her favourite beer, a small cake with chocolate icing and strawberries on top, and another plain white envelope. Written on it, again in Shinji's handwriting, was her name. Underneath that were instructions to not open it until after dessert.

All through the delicious dinner and absolutely heavenly dessert Shinji had made for her, she found that she couldn't take her eyes off the envelope. She couldn't think of what else Shinji would need to say that he hadn't already said in the first letter. Her mind started to run through all kinds of possibilities, none of them good. She was working herself into a panic of possibilities when something thankfully caught her attention.

"Wark!" PenPen squawked.

"Ahhh!" she shrieked. "Are you trying to kill me!" After recovering from a near heart attack, she leaned over and patted his head. "Want something to eat?"

"Wark!"

She set about getting some fish for her pet, glad for the momentary distraction. Once PenPen's needs were taken care of, she grabbed her second beer from the fridge, and the letter, and headed for the couch. She slouched back and propped her feet up on the coffee table, cracking open her beer and taking a long sip. She quietly regarded the envelope for a moment before finally opening it and unfolding the pages within.

_Misato:_

_'I thought that while I had the nerve to do the things I told you about in the first letter, I would use that same feeling to write this one as well. There are some things that I need to tell you, that are for you only. Things that I don't know if I can say in person, but I hope to be able to soon.'_

She began to worry all over again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. "I don't know if I like the sound of this."

_'In the first letter I told you, that I told my mom, that I was doing all of this to make sure my friends have a future and a better life. I am also doing it for someone I love. That someone is you, Misato.'_

She had to re-read that several times.

_'I know that you may be thinking that everything that has happened lately has melted my brain, and maybe it has, but this is something I've known since shortly after I first met you. I still remember standing outside the train station the day you picked me up. I was looking at the picture you sent me while I wondered where you were. I had actually spent most of the train ride looking at it, and it wasn't just because of the arrow pointing to your cleavage.'_

She laughed lightly. She probably shouldn't have done that, but she couldn't help herself.

_'My hormones may not display themselves as rampantly as Kensuke's or Touji's, but they are still there. I certainly did notice, but I kept thinking about how pretty you were and how nice your smile was. When you pulled up and threw open the door to your car, I couldn't believe my eyes. You were gorgeous, the picture didn't do you justice. Unfortunately, the events that followed interrupted those thoughts and it wasn't until I moved into your apartment that I was able to think about that again. You were so kind to me, a boy you didn't know, or know anything about, and I cannot thank you enough for taking me in. Even after everything that has happened, especially recently, I can think of no place else I would rather call home.'_

Misato found her eyes tearing up. She stopped reading and dabbed them with the tail of her shirt. "Thank you Shinji-kun, this wouldn't be a home without you here."

_'It took a while, but I finally became used to the way you lived, and now I understand more about why you are the way you are, but I discovered that it was a side of you that no one else ever saw. A side that you only let me see. If you were any different, you wouldn't be the Misato I have grown to love. Now that I am seeing things a little differently, I find that with the difficulties of the last few weeks, I really miss the way things were before. Heck, I even miss having you tease me all the time, even if I did get all embarrassed and unable to speak without fumbling all over myself. Your teasing was never mean spirited and it let me know that you cared. No one had ever cared for me, or about me before, and I know that as I fell deeper into depression that I may have said some things that I honestly did not mean and I know the distance I put between us hurt you. For that, I ask for your forgiveness.'_

"There's nothing to forgive Shinji," she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm just as much to blame as you are."

_'I must also ask your forgiveness for something else, something that I know I will never forgive myself for. The night you got that last message from Kaji, I heard you crying and it broke my heart. I hate to hear you cry Misato, you're not supposed to be sad, you're supposed to be happy and teasing and smiling. I know it's selfish for me to think so, but I hate to see you any other way. I knew that I should go to you and try to comfort you. I wanted to, but I was such a coward and so wrapped up in my troubles that I did something despicable. Even after I heard you come to my door, I still turned up the volume on my SDAT, rolled over, and buried my head. I let someone I love sit alone in the dark and cry over the loss of someone they loved. I don't think I have ever felt so low in all of my life. I know that I can't expect to be forgiven for that, and I know that telling you how I feel about you can't make up for it, but I am committed now. I will finish this even if you decide to take this letter right now and throw it away.'_

"I forgive you Shinji," she said, her voice shaking. "I had no right to come to you looking for a shoulder to cry on, not with everything you've been through, not when I wasn't there for you."

_'There are a couple of recurring dreams that I have. Well, to be honest, there are more than two, but I think I would die of embarrassment if you knew what they were.'_

She couldn't help but laugh at that. She could just see him writing that with his face a deep shade of red at making such an admission.

_'The first one is strange as far as dreams go because it's almost episodic and always seems to pick up were the previous one left off. In it, life seems ideal. I live in an apartment much like yours, with my mother and father and Rei. My father actually acts like a real father, something I always wanted. Our home is a happy one, with my mother doting over her children like she's making up for lost time. Asuka and her mom live next door and she is our best friend. Even in my dreams I never thought I'd see Asuka getting along with Rei. Rei is still kind of quiet, and Asuka still speaks her mind, but she isn't nearly as hostile. Our parents all still work for NERV, but it's a computer technologies and scientific research organization now. No Angels, no EVA's, and no SEELE._

_Like every morning, we all walk to school together, usually meeting Hikari, Touji and Kensuke along the way. We get to school and take our places in the classroom, and are told by our Sensei that we have a new student starting that day. Like usual, the girls hope it's a cute guy, while the guys hope for a cute girl. When the door opens I see a girl with purple hair. I can tell she's shy by the way she slowly enters the room with her head down. When she finally looks up at the Sensei's urging to introduce herself, all I can do is stare. I can barely hear her say that her name is Katsuragi Misato. I've seen a couple of your pictures from when you were my age and it's no wonder you became such a beautiful woman, you were so cute at that age.'_

Despite herself, Misato felt her cheeks warming into a blush.

_'Over the next few weeks you joined our circle of friends and I found the courage somewhere to ask you out. It was only fast food and a movie, but we both seemed to enjoy it. We started spending a lot of time together, usually holding hands everywhere we went and enduring the teasing of our friends because of it. In the last of these dreams, I ask you if I can kiss you, after much verbal stumbling of course, and you said yes. Sadly, I never get to see that kiss.'_

"That sounds like a happy little world Shinji," she said as she stopped to take a sip of her beer. "If only it was real." It always saddened her that she never had a normal, happy childhood.

_'The other dream comes after the Angels are defeated and life returns to normal. Tokyo 3 has been rebuilt and is becoming a thriving city. I have just turned eighteen and I somehow convince you to let me take you out on a date, as if we had just recently met. We have a nice dinner and talk about anything other than the horrors of our pasts. We go to a movie and get death stares from the other viewers because the movie sucks and we end up having a popcorn fight. We go to a karaoke club and sing badly for a couple of hours, before walking home laughing at ourselves. It feels so good to laugh and to hear you laugh. We realize that we both had a really good time and when I ask if you want to go out again the next week, you say yes and we decide to see where it takes us.'_

Misato started to cry and had to put the letter down. Even if it was only the contents of one of Shinji's dreams, no man she had ever been out with ever wanted to treat her like that. She was their drunken sex doll and was not required to be anything else. They desired nothing else of her and she gave them what they wanted, no mater how much it wounded her spirit.

His dream world sounded so nice and she realized that even in their real and painful world, Shinji had treated her better than any of the men she had ever been with. She wondered about all the times Shinji had taken care of her when she was drunk off her ass. How many other teenaged boys, let alone grown men, would have done what he had and not taken advantage of her in those situations. They could have done anything to her and she would not have been able to stop them. Ever since he had moved in, he had taken care of her, cleaned up after her, and put up with her teasing and scandalous ways.

"How could you ever love a drunken whore like me Shinji?" she cried. "I'm filthy. I drink until I puke and pass out, I fuck until I can hardly stand up, and I send you out in that purple monster, knowing how scared you are and how much it hurts you. I don't deserve your care or your kindness or your love. How could you ever love someone so worthless?" Her voice dropped to a ragged whisper. "I want that kind of love, but I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of it."

She cried for a long while, disgusted with herself and her life. Just when she thought she was regaining a measure of her composure, she would choke up and start again. It wasn't until she went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face several times that she was finally able to gain a measure of control. She found however that she couldn't look at herself in the mirror right then. When she sat back down on the couch, she could only stare at the letter for a long while. Finally, she picked it up again and resumed reading. Shinji was letting her know what was in his heart and she owed it to him to read it all.

_'I realize that you may think that all of this is nothing more than the ramblings of a severely messed up teenager with a crush. I admit to being messed up, but if there is anything at all that I am really sure of, it's that I love you and it isn't merely a temporary thing. I have gotten to know the real you and I know what is in your heart. You are a good person Misato, and you have problems just like the rest of us, but you have never let them stop you from living. You haven't given up like I did before I had the dream. No matter how hard things have been, you kept trying.'_

"I'm not that noble Shinji," she whispered.

_'You deserve to be treated like a lady. To have someone take you out for an evening with no expectations other than your company. I want to be that person Misato. I want to take you out for dinner and have popcorn fights during bad movies and sing karaoke badly with you. I want to take you to the beach and go for walks and show you that someone truly loves you without expecting anything in return. I want to see you smile and laugh and be the reason for it. I may not be big and strong, or any woman's ideal man, and I know I'm not brave, but I would never treat you badly Misato.'_

"I know you wouldn't Shinji-kun, I know you wouldn't."

_'I know I'm asking a lot and I'm probably asking you for something you can't give. If you can't, I will understand, because I truly know that what I am asking of you may be impossible. But I need to know Misato, will you wait for me? Will you wait for me to be older and more of a man? Will you let me love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated? Can you wait for me Misa-chan?_

_I can't expect you to give me an answer right away, and I don't. What I have asked you is enough pressure, I won't put anymore on you. But no matter what you decide, I will still love you and I just want you to be happy.'_

_Shinji_

Misato quietly folded the letter back up and returned it to its envelope and sat back on the couch, her hands folded in her lap. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know what to think, and she sure as hell didn't know what to do. She sat there for a long while, her brain replaying the words he had written. Everything he had written sounded so nice, but she couldn't reconcile his view of her with the truth of who and what she was. She suddenly found herself more ashamed of her life than she had ever been before.

She chugged down the rest of her beer in two gulps, mostly out of well worn habit, then disgustedly threw the empty can across the room when she realized just how habitual it was. With her elbows resting on her knees, she began rubbing her temples, feeling the tension from the day come creeping back into her head, neck and shoulders.

She lurched to her feet and shuffled tiredly to the bathroom. While she ran a hot bath, she disrobed and dropped her clothes in the nearby hamper. In the mirror, she caught the reflection of her scar and it suddenly brought something else to light in her mind. If Shinji's plan was successful and the Angels were all destroyed, her purpose would be at an end. The fuel that drove her was her need for revenge against the Angels, to see them destroyed for the death of her father, for the horror that being witness to Second Impact had inflicted upon her. With that purpose gone, what would she do? She was so consumed by her need for revenge, that she had never given it much thought.

She shut off the taps and slipped into the bath, the warmth instantly starting to work on her sore neck and shoulders. "So what would I do then?" she asked herself quietly. "I suppose that will depend on how this all shakes out." If SEELE was exposed by Ritsuko's information, all hell could break loose, or the old men would go into hiding. Maybe both, but either way it had the potential to get real ugly. There would be investigations and trials and a ton of public outrage. Ugly, didn't begin to describe it.

"More likely the truth will be buried, like it was with Second Impact," she said bitterly. "The old men will get a bullet behind the ear, if they don't commit suicide first, and a heroic story of survival against an otherworldly foe will mollify the public." She sighed. "I suppose it's better than telling them what really happened and causing mass panic and rioting." None of her thoughts on it answered the question of her future, she knew she would have to see what happened in the next few weeks before she could make any concrete decisions about it anyway. Right now, she had another pressing issue that needed her more immediate attention.

Shinji.

She let out a long breath and stared at the ceiling. "Why me Shinji? Why not someone closer to your own age. Why did you have to fall in love with me?" She thought about Shinji's words and discovered that it gave her a warm feeling to know that someone thought of her that way.

Then, she went over her reasons why he shouldn't be in love with her.

She was much older, she was dirty and she drank too much. She sent him into battle in a giant, barely controllable weapon, despite his pain and fear, all to feed her need for revenge. It suddenly dawned on her that the one thing she hadn't said or thought, was that she didn't love him.

"Do I love him that way? Am I so desperately lonely that I could fall for a fourteen year old boy?"

She knew that the short answer to that question was yes. She was lonely. She was so lonely that it felt like her heart was being eaten up from the inside. Disastrous attempts at relationships that had turned into little more than one night stands, had scarred her heart and had eaten away at her sense of self worth. It had become another of the reasons why she drank.

She liked to kid herself that she drank simply because she loved beer. She did, but it was mostly her attempted cure for loneliness and pain, her sleep aid to ward off nightmares, and her answer to all things uncomfortable. It may have worked to put her to sleep and made her forget the uncomfortable, at least for a little while, but it did jack shit for her loneliness.

"Stupid question," she admonished herself. "Okay, let's picture Shinji as a grown man and go over this." She imagined a grown and more mature version of him. "He wants to spend time with me with no expectations attached, he wants to see me smile and laugh and have fun, he wants to treat me like a lady, and he thinks I'm beautiful. What's not to fall in love with there?" She groaned. "But he's not a grown man, he's fourteen!"

_'But I need to know Misato, will you wait for me? Will you wait for me to be older and more of a man? Will you let me love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated? Can you wait for me Misa-chan?'_

She felt tears welling up in her eyes again, partly in shame, partly in realization. "I think I'm in love with a teenaged boy. Oh god I am such a mess." She took a deep breath to calm herself . "I'm tired, I'm confused and I'm worried. I need to sleep on this, for like, a couple of years maybe." _'If I can sleep at all, that is.'_

She finished her bath, soaping and scrubbing her body as if she could scrub away the filth that stained her soul, the filth that she had become so conscious of this night. She dried herself with the same vigour before crawling into her bed and pulling the sheets up over her head.

* * *

The sound of her alarm clock going off the next morning was not a welcome one. She had never been a morning person, but her consternation at the infernal device this morning was based on the dreams that it had interrupted. She shut off the alarm and stretched while a mighty yawn escaped her lips. She found herself staring without focus at the ceiling, and felt the slight smile that came effortlessly to her face. She actually felt pretty good this morning, almost giddy actually. 

'_God, get a hold of yourself Misato.'_

She rolled out of bed and stretched again as she stood, enjoying the feel of the slightly cool air on her naked body. She put on some fresh underwear and headed for the kitchen. With no one else home, she didn't worry about her state of undress, not that she usually did anyway.

She started a pot of coffee and dug a loaf of bread out of the cupboard. _'I really need to get serious and let Shinji teach me how to cook,'_ she thought. After a couple of pieces of toast and two cups of high test coffee that she swore could keep an Eva awake for a week, she brushed her teeth and took care of her hair, before dressing in what had become her official uniform. A twin of the little black dress she had worn, and ruined, the day she picked Shinji up at the train station. She picked up her uniform jacket and went to the kitchen to feed PenPen. He was waiting for her.

"Finally up eh, you lazy bum."

"Wark!"

"I love you too PenPen."

She got his fish ready for him and checked to make sure her gun and cell phone were still in her jacket as her feathered housemate gulped down his breakfast. After finding her keys and slipping on her shoes, she stepped out the door and was greeted by a blue sky and bright sunshine.

"Beautiful," she said aloud. "I have a feeling that today is going to be a good day."

She decided to take the stairs down to the parking garage instead of the elevator, humming contentedly to herself the whole way. She slid happily into the seat of her beloved blue Renault and smiled at the sound of the finely tuned engine. As she slipped on her driving gloves, she looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes seemed a little brighter today and she could stand the sight of herself this morning. She was still tired and a bit worried about what had transpired at NERV the night before, but she was no longer confused.

_'Can you wait for me Misa-chan?'_

She slipped on her sunglasses and shifted the car into gear. "Yeah, Shinji-kun, I can wait for you. And I will."

With screeching tires and leaving a trail of burnt rubber, the blue Renault rocketed out of the parking garage and sped off for NERV.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Reviews are welcomed and greatly appreciated. 

And please,check out my other stories. You know how to find them.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or the rights to anything associated with it. Gainax created this world, I just play in it.

When I first wrote _Letters_ I doubted that I would ever add to it because I felt that it could stand on its own as is. I still believe that, but after giving it much thought I decided, 'what the hell' and figured I'd give it a shot. I can only hope that this second chapter lives up to the first. The reviews for this story have been great and I really appreciate the kind words. I hope you like Chapter 2.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who have read and reviewed my work and I hope you will continue to do so. The excellent reviews I have received have made me try my best to keep up a high standard of work and I hope that I have done so. I know I haven't done a good job of saying thank you, but believe me, that is not on purpose. Time and opportunity often conspire against me. I'll try to do better in the future.

I'd like to offer a huge thumbs up in particular to three 'anonymous' reviewers, X.S., AnimeDestiny, and Mr. Lee.

Please read and review, I hope you enjoy it.

**Letters**

_**Chapter 2:**_

It was just past 0800 and Shinji was sitting on a bench in front of a row of vending machines down the hall from the command bridge, a small bottle of orange juice clutched in his hands. He was waiting for Misato to arrive and he was very, very, nervous. Since he was on standby in case SEELE launched an attack against them, he was still wearing his plug suit. Although, he had taken the time to run down to the locker room and shower away the persistent, cloying stench of LCL before putting on a fresh one. The last thing he needed was to try and talk to Misato about the letter he left her while smelling like sweat and decaying blood.

The last few days had been a hectic blur for him. The things that he had learned about Rei and NERV and the Angels and his mother, had left his mind reeling. The catalyst for it all had been the dream. It had completely changed his perspective and it made him see himself, and life in general, in a different way. He kept playing it over and over in his head, gaining more insight and meaning from it every time he did so.

He found himself actually wishing that something like that dream had happened to him a long time ago. It had given him the courage to stand up and do something instead of running away or cowering and he liked the way that made him feel. It had given him the resolve to go and talk to Rei, even though he had become afraid of who and what she was. It had allowed him to stand up to an angry and broken Ritsuko Akagi and convince her to help with their plan, and it gave him the strength to seek out his mother's soul within the Eva.

It also gave him the courage to tell Misato that he loved her. Well, at least enough courage to write her a letter telling her that he loved her.

But now that things had slowed down and he found himself with time to think, he felt the shadow of self doubt start to creep in on him. Telling Misato how he felt, even if it was in a letter, was an enormous step for him. In a way he had been caught up in the moment and the words and feelings had just seemed to flow out of him and onto the page. He had never been so honest or open about what he was feeling at any other time in his young life and his anticipation of her answer had him not only nervous, but scared half to death as well. He had told her that he would understand if she couldn't wait for him, and he hadn't been lying.

However, understanding it didn't mean that it wouldn't hurt if she said no.

Deep down he had an irrational fear that not only would she say she couldn't wait for him, but that she would reject him entirely. In his rational mind he knew that Misato wouldn't cast him aside like his father had, but he had known little else in his life but rejection and it was a hard notion to remove from the depths his subconscious.

But as anxious and as scared as he was, he was determined not to run. He had spent far too much time in his life running and hiding from things rather than dealing with them. He was finally beginning to learn the hard lesson that no matter how far you ran, your problems would always be there waiting for you. You could either let them bury you and consume you whole, or you could stand up and face them head on and refuse to surrender to them. He didn't want to run anymore.

Maybe he was just being foolish in hoping that Misato would actually agree to wait for him. Just because he loved her didn't mean that she felt the same way about him and even if she did, it didn't mean she'd be willing to wait three years and three months until he turned eighteen. It was a lot to ask of anyone, but especially someone with an already wounded heart.

Besides, he was fourteen, what the hell did he know about being in love anyway? Probably nothing, but he wasn't going to run away from his feelings for her. He couldn't if he wanted to because the one thing he was absolutely sure about in his life was that he was in love with Misato Katsuragi.

He had felt something for her the first time he saw her picture and it only intensified when he saw her the day she picked him up at the train station. He admired the strength she showed when she was directing the battle against the Angels, and he had even come to like the immaturity she displayed the rest of the time. Sad or serious didn't fit her nearly as well as playful and teasing and happy did. She was so beautiful and her face lit up when she smiled and laughed and that was how he always wanted to see her. Her sadness and her tears were painful to him and he would always have to live with the shame that he had done nothing to console her the night Kaji left his last message. Even if she forgave him for that, he would never forgive himself.

He knew that Misato felt she could have been a better guardian to him, that she could have done more to help him along and to feel better about himself. But the dream had shown him the things that had shaped her into the person she had become, and with the Angels attacking them, it wasn't like they were living in a safe and stable environment to start with. She had heavy responsibilities to deal with besides her own considerable pain and loneliness and she was always on the verge of being crushed by it. He knew it hadn't been easy for her but she had done the best that she could under those circumstances.

The bottom line to him though was that she had made the attempt. She had reached out to him and she had given him a home. She cared about him, worried about him, and she had shed tears for him. He knew that no matter what happened today, that would never change. He would always love her, no matter what.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by the click-clack sound of heels on the tiled floor of the hallway. Turning his head to the right, he saw the object of his affections walking towards him. She was dressed the same way she was the day he met her and she was just as gorgeous. He swallowed hard to get the lump that he was sure was his heart out of his throat and stood to face her, setting his juice bottle down on the bench. She looked happy and seemed to have a little extra swing in her step, something that had been missing lately. He felt his hopes soaring and he had to try very hard to remain calm.

* * *

She saw him sitting in front of the vending machines, looking like he was deep in thought. He was probably worrying himself half to death about what she was going to say to him. Even so, she could see a certain strength about him as he sat there. He wasn't slouched over and staring at the floor, he was sitting up and looking straight ahead. He was probably nervous and scared but she could see a hint of the inner strength that he possessed, but could never see for himself.

By sitting there and waiting for her he was taking another step forward. It would have been easy for him to stay on the command bridge or to sit in the pilot's locker room, but he didn't. In a small but significant way, he was standing his ground and not running away. First steps, whether large or small, were often the most important.

Only just short of fifteen years old or not, she felt even more strongly now that her decision was the right one. She was hard pressed to explain it, but something just felt inherently right about it. There was a stronger and happier Shinji Ikari to be found within that thin body and he might just be on the verge of truly discovering it. She wanted to help bring that out of him just as much as he wanted to make her happy. He was already kind, considerate and caring, all things that any woman would find attractive. And, from a purely selfish and aesthetic viewpoint, he was pretty cute too. He was going to grow into a good looking young man.

At the sound of her approach he stood and turned to face her. She stopped a few feet in front of him and removed her sunglasses, sliding them up on top of her head.

"Situation report, Pilot Ikari," she ordered gently. She was smiling.

"Huh?" he started. "Oh… right. The first and second Angels have been destroyed and the Commander is in a holding cell until the UN sends an investigation team. We're waiting to see if SEELE launches an attack."

"Good work." She pulled him to her and hugged him tightly. "Are you okay Shinji? I was worried about you."

"I'm fine Misato," he assured her, returning the hug. "I'm sorry I made you worry."

She broke the embrace and looked into his blue eyes. "Don't apologize. I'm proud of you and I always have been. I should have said that more often. You've done something very brave. You found the truth, stood on your own, and put an end to this madness. And I accept your apology for not telling me in person. The rose was beautiful."

He blushed furiously. "Was dinner okay?" he asked expectantly.

"I thought I had died and gone to heaven," she said. "And I followed your instructions so I didn't wreck it."

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Sorry, I probably shouldn't have worded it like that."

"That's okay," she grinned as she sat down on the bench. "I can admit defeat, I know I'm a lousy cook."

A strained silence settled in, neither of them sure what to say next. It was finally Misato that broke the silence.

"Your second letter hit me pretty hard," she said quietly. "I've never had someone say those kind of things to me."

"I…" He had to swallow that persistent lump in his throat again. "I meant everything I wrote," he said shyly.

"I know you did," she smiled. "You showed me what was in your heart. But I'm not the good little girl you dreamt of meeting Shinji, I haven't been that girl since Second Impact. I defiled her and made her filthy. You saw that in the dream we all had. Can you love someone who did that to herself?"

"Yes," he answered without hesitation, surprising her and himself a little. His voice got a little quieter. "I felt this way before I knew any of that. Nothing's changed."

She could see that trying to express his feelings for her was hard for him. She didn't want to make it any harder, but she had to be sure. "And you're sure this isn't just a crush?"

His posture sagged and he looked like he had just been punched in the gut. The nervousness had been feeling earlier turned to dread and he found himself looking at the floor.

"You're trying to talk me out of this aren't you?"

The dejection in his voice stung her heart. "No Shinji, I'm not," she reassured him, making him meet her gaze again. "But I can't give you an answer to the question you asked in that letter until I look into your eyes and hear you say the words."

His change in posture and the look in his eyes made it obvious that he was relieved that she wasn't trying to dissuade him.

"Shinji, what you wrote about how you wanted to treat me and the dreams you described sounded so nice. No one has ever wanted to be like that with me."

Her voice started to waiver with the weight of her emotions.

"No one ever wanted to just go out with me simply because they wanted to spend time with me with no expectations attached. I was just an object to be used and tossed aside and I allowed myself to be treated that way. I cried about that a lot when I read your letter and I don't feel that I'm nearly good enough for someone with your intentions. But if you still want me after knowing that, and if you can look me in the eye and say what you need to say, I'll give you my answer."

He had been afraid this moment would come, that she would ask him to actually say the words. A letter was one thing, but looking someone in the eye and saying the same things to them was something else entirely. He was afraid that he would mess it up or not be able to get the words out at all. He could feel the perspiration seeping out of his skin within his plug suit and he was so nervous that he was actually beginning to shake. His heart was pounding and he couldn't seem to make his mouth work. He was beginning to panic.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Misato took his hands in hers and gave them a gentle squeeze. She gave him a warm smile that was reflected in her now moist brown eyes, eyes that he thought were so beautiful when he found himself courageous enough to look into them.

"It's okay Shinji," she said gently. "I know you can do this. I believe in you and I always have. I'm not trying to make this hard for you, but I need to hear you say it and you need to be able to say it." She chuckled lightly. "Hey, its not like we're seeing each other naked for the first time or something. We've already done that so how hard can a few words be?"

In spite of himself, Shinji found himself laughing. _That_ was so typically Misato and it was one of the things he loved about her. _'I truly do love her, so how can I not ask her face to face.'_ He sat down beside her, took a deep breath to steady himself, and forced his eyes to meet hers.

"Misato…I love you. It's not a crush or anything else like that. I love you." He swallowed that annoying lump again. "If you'll let me, I…I want to be the one to make you happy like you deserve to be. I want you to be happy and I want to be happy with you. When you say you're not good enough for my intentions, you sound like I do because I'm afraid that I'm not worthy of being loved by you. Even if I'm not, I'm going to ask you anyway." He took another deep breath. "Will you let me love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated? Can you wait for me Misato?"

She silently held his gaze for a moment before giving her answer. "Yes Shinji. I can wait for you. I don't care if it's right or wrong or who doesn't like it or what they might think of me for it. It feels right." She gave him a bright and genuine smile. "I will wait for you Shinji Ikari, because I love you."

Hearing her say those three words sent a euphoric feeling through his body and gave him goose bumps. The tension seemed to drain out of him all at once and he practically fell into her, hugging her fiercely. Tears came to his eyes but for once they weren't tears caused by pain or heartache. He was relieved and he was happy. When he was able to compose himself he broke their embrace and looked into her eyes again.

"I have to ask you something else," he said seriously.

She knew what was coming and she nodded, prompting him to continue.

"The night you got that message from Kaji…I hid like a coward from your tears. I should have tried to comfort you but I was afraid and I'm ashamed of myself. Can you ever forgive me for that Misato?"

She placed her hands on his slim shoulders. "I forgive you," she told him. As far as she was concerned there was nothing he needed to be forgiven for, but it was clear to her that his heart needed her to say it. Judging by what he had said in the letter, she knew that even after saying she forgave him he would never forgive himself for it. At least, not right away.

She leaned forward and gave him a light, feathery kiss, their lips touching only briefly. She laughed when she saw how red his face went and she could swear his eyes had glazed over for a second. He really was adorable when he was stunned and blushing like that.

"That'll have to keep us both happy for the next three years," she told him. "But on your eighteenth birthday, I'll give you a kiss that you'll never forget."

_**

* * *

Between Then and Now **_

The first year after the best day of his life was hectic, but seemed to fly by. NERV was investigated by the UN and they left no stone unturned. Every single person in the organization was interviewed, scrutinized and put through the wringer until the investigators were satisfied. Misato had been given an extra hard time by them considering what her rank and position in the command structure was. The investigators didn't want to believe that she had been in the dark about so many things right up until the end. Shinji was the friendly face she saw when she went home every night that helped to keep her sane through it all.

They had decided to keep their distance physically until he was an adult, but they spent a great deal of time talking and getting to know each other on a deeper level. They wanted to be able to talk to each other about anything and everything, no matter if it was painful or not. They wanted to have an understanding of what had shaped them into the people they had become and how they could make themselves better, both individually and for each other. They told each other things about themselves that they had never told anyone else. It helped to heal them and it served to bring them closer together, as did all the time they spent just having fun and simply enjoying each other's company.

They also spent a great deal of time trying to help out those who were close to them and who needed that help the most. Rei had been placed under intense scrutiny by the UN and was essentially held under house arrest until they were finally able to convince them that she was not dangerous and only wanted to live a normal life. Misato became her guardian and moved her into an apartment next to theirs.

Rei had spent most of her young life isolated and alone. Sadly, she was used to it and wasn't comfortable with the idea of sharing accommodations with anyone and it would take a while before she was willing to give it a try. But, they were right next door if she needed them and her new apartment was a castle compared to the dump Commander Ikari had made her live in. She was grateful and initially her progress towards normalcy was slow, but it was noticeable and with her new 'brother' helping her, she would be okay.

Asuka on the other hand, had been quickly taken back to Germany by her father and it would be almost two years before they would see her again. When she returned she was a very different girl from the one they had known. She could still be the 'Red Devil', but that was not often seen. Some of her old impatient nature was still there, but she didn't flaunt her perceived superiority so much and didn't turn everything into a quest to prove how great she was. When she did that now it was more of a put on.

She was a lot more 'normal' now and seemed like she was a little lost and was trying to make up for the things she had missed in life by pushing herself so hard and bypassing her childhood. She still had her rough spots and bad days, but she was learning to open herself up to her friends and allow them to help her. It was really tough for her sometimes, but she was making her way. She didn't talk about the intense psychotherapy she underwent in Germany and they didn't push her on it. If she felt like talking about it or the past, she would do so in her own time.

Misato was able to rebuild her friendship with Ritsuko. NERV's 'resident mad scientist' as she jokingly referred to herself now, had suffered a nervous breakdown after the avoidance of Third Impact. Shinji felt a great deal of sympathy for her since the root cause of her breakdown was his father. Maya Ibuki had stood by Ritsuko the entire time and was instrumental in getting the two friends back together.

Between them they helped her to deal with the guilt she felt for all of the things she had been a part of while under Gendo's sway. She was back to being much more like the person Misato had met and made friends with in college, and since she was often a frequent guest at the apartment, Shinji suffered double the usual amount of teasing. He didn't really mind since they were both happy.

The crux of her recovery was when she sought the forgiveness of those around her for the things she had done, the pilots especially, and Rei in particular since she had suffered the most at her hands. The two of them spoke privately for nearly two hours one day and never revealed what was said to anyone. In the end though, Rei forgave her. The thanks Rei and Shinji got back from Ritsuko for their forgiveness and their understanding was priceless. What they got was Yui Ikari.

When she was deemed fit to go back to work, Ritsuko immediately went to work on removing Yui from the Evangelion. Shinji synched with Unit 01 several times leading up to the day and talked to her a great deal while Ritsuko gathered fresh data for the upcoming separation attempt. He hadn't been able to do so very often after the UN had taken over so he made good use of the opportunity.

Unlike the first time the separation had been attempted shortly after she was taken into the Eva, Yui wasn't going to resist this time. The Angels and the threat they posed was gone and she wanted to be with her son again. So, two years almost to the day that Shinji asked Misato to wait for him, he found himself sitting in a NERV hospital room, hugging his mother tightly and crying tears of happiness.

By his seventeenth birthday he and Rei had moved into an apartment with her. Rei had often wondered what it would have been like to have a family and she was very happy when Yui asked her if she could be her mother. He and Misato thought the move would be good for them since they were having an increasingly difficult time keeping their hands off of each other and keeping their promise to wait. He had grown and filled out and being the late bloomer that he was, his hormones were catching up accordingly.

As for Misato, she had started taking better care of herself. He thought she was hot before, but now she simply drove him to distraction. She had cut way down on the beer and the junk food and spent time at a health club as a stress reliever rather than sitting around drinking. She felt better than she ever had and looked like she had lost a couple of years along the way.

She also had plenty of energy to spare now and considering her mischievous personality, that meant trouble for everyone else. The time was right for them to put a little bit of well intentioned space between them. And besides, Shinji needed the time with his mother.

One thing that left him feeling pleasantly strange, was the relationship Misato and his mother had developed. They had become very good friends. Actually, his mom proved to be someone that everyone liked. She had also become friends with Ritsuko and Maya, and she even acted a bit like a surrogate mother to Asuka, who had returned to Japan shortly after she came out of Unit 01 and now lived with Misato.

When she had been absorbed into the Eva, his mom had been about the same age as Misato and she returned looking no different. Despite his assurances otherwise, Misato had been afraid that Yui would not approve of their relationship, largely because of the age gap. She was surprised to find that Yui was very supportive of it.

Through her synchronizations with him in the Eva, she had seen the state that Shinji was in. She also saw that his feelings for Misato were one of the things that had kept him going and that they were genuine. She had seen that his love for her had helped him to make the choices he did in preventing Third Impact. She was willing to give them a chance because she wanted him to be happy above all else, and once she got to know the woman he had fallen in love with, she had approved wholeheartedly.

_**

* * *

The Present **_

As Shinji sat in the shade of a tree on the campus of his high school, on the day of his eighteenth birthday, he had to wonder if he would still get that kiss that Misato had promised him that day. Nearly a week earlier they'd had a fight. Well, not so much a fight as a mutual psychological breakdown. They'd had a few tiffs before, but nothing like this one.

They hadn't spoken since, mostly because she had left the next morning for Germany to attend a work related conference. She was the Director of Security and Intelligence for the Tokyo 3 branch of NERV. She should have been back yesterday morning, but she hadn't called and he didn't want to disturb her, knowing that she would be jet lagged from the long trip back and would have gone face down on the bed as soon as she got in.

His lunch sat untouched on the ground beside him, his appetite seeming to have left him as soon as he sat down and became lost in his thoughts, thinking back over the time that had passed since 'the day'. He sighed heavily.

"I really am an Evangelion sized idiot."

Misato had been acting a little strange for a couple of weeks. At first he thought that maybe it was just something at work that was bothering her, but more and more it seemed like it was something between them. She seemed nervous and apprehensive around him all of a sudden. He went to visit her one evening and he found her very drunk and crying. It had been a long while since she had been that drunk.

She was scared. She had wanted to be happy the way he wanted to make her happy. For three years she had waited, anticipating the day when she could openly express her love for him, a love that had only grown over the course of their wait. But her insecurities had reared their ugly heads. As the date of his eighteenth birthday grew nearer, she had begun to feel panicky and anxious. She wanted it so badly, but she was also afraid of it. She had been a prisoner to her loneliness and pain for so long, it was as if she couldn't let go of the last vestiges of her long worn misery and allow herself to be happy.

It was the same kind of irrational fear that he had experienced three years earlier as he waited for her and her answer. It had lain dormant within her and had been brought out by the fatigue and stress of a couple of particularly stressful weeks at work wearing her down. All of her self loathing and self doubts had resurfaced as her nerves frayed. She got drunk and acted pitifully, feeling sorry for herself and ranting that he could do a lot better than her.

He reacted badly to it. It brought out a part of the old Shinji he thought he had overcome. It was his biggest fear and the hardest one to lose. It was the part of him that felt like he kept being abandoned by everyone around him, like he wasn't worth their time. That old fear still had a grip on him and it didn't seem to want to let go.

After all of the things they had talked about, after baring their souls to each other, and after thinking they had managed to exorcise their demons and healed each other's pain, it seemed that they still hadn't completely escaped their fears. Live in pain and loneliness long enough, never knowing happiness, and happiness becomes something to fear. It was the polar opposite of what they both knew and it scared them.

Due to his panicked state, he couldn't recall half of the things they had said to each other, but he definitely recalled what he said before he ran out of her apartment.

'_If you don't want me then why did you say you would wait?'_

It had stopped her dead in her tracks and he couldn't get the hurt look on her face out of his mind.

"It's pretty pathetic when two people want so badly to be happy, but can't seem let themselves be swept away by it," he said to himself. "How could I be such an idiot and say something so stupid to her! If I lose her because of this…"

The sound of approaching voices brought him out of his thoughts. Still a ways off but walking towards him were Rei and Asuka. He still had trouble wrapping his head around the fact that they had actually become friends. It hadn't started out well, but they got along pretty good now.

Proving that she was indeed a different person, Asuka had actually apologized to Rei for the way she had treated her after having the blue haired girl's origins and upbringing explained to her. He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't heard it and seen it for himself. Asuka had also apologized to him and asked him if he could forgive her and be her friend like he had always tried to be. He had no trouble granting that request.

She still called him baka, it was her pet name for him, and she still teased him about being Invincible Shinji, but there was no venom in it and it was okay with him. He was just happy to see her getting on with her life and beginning to enjoy it. They all had developed a tendency to tease each other which they promptly blamed on Misato's influence, which she of course had happily accepted.

As they came up to him he could hear that the conversation they were having seemed to be centred on what an immense baka they thought he was. He leaned his head back against the tree and let out a long, slow breath.

"As if I didn't already know how stupid I am," he muttered.

"Good," Asuka huffed. "It'll save me the trouble of telling you."

"Never stopped you before," he quipped.

"Don't start with me baka!" she threatened. "Why the hell didn't you call Misato yesterday after she got back?"

"Because she's always exhausted after those long trips and I didn't want to wake her up."

He knew as soon as he said it how lame it sounded and he knew that she wasn't going to accept it. Hell, _he_ didn't accept it and he was the one that said it. It was true, but he was also just afraid to talk to her.

"Don't make me call you a coward and slap you upside of your head Shinji," Asuka warned him. "I don't want to be like that because I happen to like you, but I'm so pissed off at you right now that I could."

"As could I," Rei added, for effect if nothing else. She did however have a much better understanding of how people's emotions worked than she used to.

Hands on hips, Asuka glared down at him, pinning him to the tree with her eyes. "She slept on the couch with the phone clutched in her hand, hoping you would at least call her if not come and see her. She poured her heart out to me last night and she's afraid that she's driven you away. I had to listen to her cry herself to sleep. You know I'm not good at that kind of stuff Shinji, so you owe me big time."

Rei sat down next to her 'brother'. "He has come a long way Asuka, but he still has problems sometimes concerning his happiness. He is afraid it will disappear."

"I know," she admitted as she sat down in front of him, her small tirade spent quickly as they usually were now. "I'm the same way, I think we all are." She looked at Shinji again. "You know as well as any of us that Misato's emotions have always been close to the surface and it takes very little to get a reaction out of her, good or bad. You pretty much punched her in the gut and left her there."

"I got scared and I panicked," he said glumly. "I should have called her as soon as she got to Germany, maybe had the hotel send some flowers to her room or something. Anything would have been better than doing nothing and tearing myself up all week."

"It would have saved you both a great deal of pain," Rei told him. She had seen first hand how hard he had been on himself.

"Lucky for you baka, she loves you," Asuka added with possibly a hint of self regret in her voice. "And she'll be at your place helping your mom set up for the party. If you hurry home after the final bell, you'll have a chance to talk to her before the rest of us get there." She raised her fist towards him. "And you'd better straighten this out or I'll clobber you!"

'_Nothing like Asuka threatening you with physical violence to keep you motivated,'_ he thought. Not that he needed the extra incentive. The hurt he had caused Misato that night was more than enough.

* * *

The final bell hadn't even finished ringing when he bolted out the classroom and jogged for home. He made one necessary stop along the way at a flower shop, procuring the single red rose that had become a part of every apology he had made to Misato from the day he left her the letters.

The moment he stepped into the apartment he shared with his mom and Rei, his nose was gently assaulted by several wonderful smells. His mom had cooked a variety of dishes that the guests could sample at their leisure during the course of the evening. The apartment was colourfully decorated with streamers and banners wishing him a happy birthday.

"I'm home," he called out as he took off his shoes.

"Welcome home," his mother greeted him with a bright smile as she stepped out of the kitchen. She was just removing the apron which had obviously saved her green, summer dress from a couple of food related mishaps. She was a pretty decent cook, thanks to his help, but she was prone to make a mess or have the occasional kitchen disaster befall her. She was far more used to working in a biogenetics lab, or being the soul of an Eva, than working the kitchen.

She gave him a warm hug and kissed his cheek. "Happy birthday Shinji."

"Thanks mom." He never got tired of the affection she showered upon himself and Rei. "Everything looks great. Smells great too."

"Misato helped," she told him. "We both have a good teacher after all. And she did most of the decorating."

"Where is she?" he asked, nervousness creeping into his voice.

"She was getting a little nervous so she went out onto the balcony to get some air." She gave her son's shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "I love you so much Shinji and I want you to be happy. I want both of you to be happy. I really like Misato and I think the two of you are good for each other and its obvious that she really loves you. I know you both feel pretty bad about what happened, so go and talk to her and straighten things out between you."

He gave his mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek and went to see the woman he loved.

She was leaning on the railing, looking out at the still rebuilding city. She was dressed simply in a pair of blue jeans and a sleeveless white blouse, her casual attire not reflecting her visibly tense mood. He watched her for a few minutes taking in her beauty as he often liked to do, admiring her as the light breeze gently played with her hair.

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to steady himself. Slowly exhaling he walked out onto the balcony and stood to her right.

"Misato."

She started slightly at the sound of his voice. "Shinji." In her voice was a mix of relief and nervousness. She actually looked shy and vulnerable, a look he had never seen on her before. It would have been cute if the situation wasn't so serious.

"Sorry if I startled you," he apologized.

"That's okay," she said. "I never heard you come home. I was kind of lost in my thoughts."

"Thinking about what a huge idiot I am?" he teased lightly.

"Shinji, you're not…"

He raised his hand to cut her off. "Yes, I am. What I said to you was horrible. I panicked and the old me came out and I acted like a coward. I was finally getting to know what it was like to be happy and I was afraid that it was going to disappear. I was afraid that you didn't want me anymore."

"I wouldn't do that to you Shinji." Her voice was almost pleading.

"I know and I should have stayed with you and talked to you, but I let my fears take over and I ran away from you. I never, ever want to do anything that will hurt you Misato, but I did and I'm ashamed of myself." He offered her the rose. "Can you forgive me for being so stupid?"

She took it, a slight smile coming to her lips. "I forgive you Shinji. Can you forgive me for being so weak?"

"You're not weak Misato," he assured her.

"Yeah, I am," she sighed. "If I wasn't I wouldn't be so afraid to be happy. I've been miserable and lonely for so long that I didn't know how else to be. The morning after I read your letter I realised that I really did love you in the same way that you said you loved me and I decided to try to reach for that happiness. I knew that you honestly meant the words you wrote, I could feel it in my heart."

"I still feel the same way," he told her.

"So do I," she admitted. "It sounds pretty sappy, but I think I fall in love with you a little more every time I see you because it reminds me that I made the right decision and for the right reasons. But in the back of my mind that loneliness and fear sat there just waiting to pounce on me. Maybe it's not so much a fear of being happy, but the old fear that no one will love me. Or that I'm not worthy of being loved, by you or anyone else, and that the happiness I've been feeling these last three years will go away and I'll be all alone again."

"We're a lot alike that way," he said softly. "I've been afraid that with my nervous bumbling that I'd do something stupid and disappoint you and drive you away. Or, that this has all been a dream and I'd wake up and be staring at the ceiling of a hospital room because I'd been smacked around by an Angel again."

She smiled lightly. "I always thought your nervous bumbling was kind of cute."

"Did I bumble my way into something to get you so upset last week?" he asked.

She shook her head. "You didn't do anything wrong Shinji, it was all my own doing. The closer we got to this day, the more anxious I was for it to arrive. I started to get nervous and the irrational fear that it would turn out to be an illusion started to creep in. I fell back into my old habits and got drunk, which only made it worse. I was beating myself up pretty hard before you came over that night."

"And then my fears came out," he said glumly. "My fear of being rejected and abandoned took me over and I said something so hurtful to you."

"I stumbled through that week in Germany like a zombie," she continued. "I was afraid that I had lost your love and the friendship of your mom and the trust she put in me. When you got her back I was afraid of what she would think of me and that she wouldn't approve of our relationship."

"You'll never lose my love Misato. As for mom, she was okay with it from the time I told her that I was in love with you," he reminded her. "She always knew how I felt about you. She could read my mind like an open book every time I synched with the Eva and when I was finally able to speak to her she told me how she felt about it. And she really likes you."

"I know," she agreed. "We had a long talk today and she reminded me of all that. But Shinji, you have to remember that I can be a little thick sometimes and I had to hear it for myself before I could truly believe it."

"I think she understands our fears about being happy better than we do," he speculated.

"You may be right," she agreed. She reached out with her right hand and grasped his left. "Can you forgive me Shinji?"

"You're forgiven," he said, squeezing her hand.

She let out a happy and relieved sigh. "So the day we've been waiting for has finally arrived. Despite our best efforts to ruin it."

"We survived the Angels and we're surviving our own fears," he said. "We can only get stronger. I think we'll be okay."

She hugged him tightly. "You've come so far from the boy you used to be Shinji. I always knew you were stronger than you gave yourself credit for."

"It was because you believed in me and convinced me that I could be stronger," he told her as he loosened their embrace so he could look into her brown eyes that he loved so much. He kept his arms wrapped loosely around her slim waist.

She draped her arms loosely around his neck and looked deeply into his blue eyes. "I've always believed in you Shinji, I just didn't say it often enough. I believe in you and I love you."

He smiled. "Three years later and I still get goose bumps when I hear you say that."

"Get used to it because you'll be hearing it a lot."

"You know, I seem to recall a promise you made about three years ago," he said.

"What was it again?" she asked with a mischievous smirk.

He smiled at her playfulness. "I believe you promised that on my eighteenth birthday you would give me a kiss that I would never forget."

"I believe you're right," she agreed. "And I always keep my promises. Happy birthday Shinji."

She pulled him to her and pressed her lips to his, lightly at first but with a growing passion and intensity. She projected all of her love and care for him into the kiss and he gratefully took it all, accepting the precious gift she was giving him. Her love, her heart, and her soul.

They were both breathless by the time she broke the kiss. It was then that she became aware that they had an audience and they were being applauded. The guests, Ritsuko and Maya, Kensuke, Touji and Hikari, along with Asuka and Rei, had all arrived at the pivotal moment. She looked back to Shinji and laughed. He had a contented smile on his fully blushing face and his eyes were glazed over.

Yui stepped out onto the balcony, apparently quite amused by her son's reaction. She laughed and looked at the now blushing Misato.

"I think you broke him."

_**

* * *

Three Months Later: **_

Entwined in the damp and twisted sheets of her bed and with the heat of their lovemaking radiating off of their sweating bodies, Shinji stared at the ceiling as he tried to catch his breath. Misato lay on her side next to him, one leg lying across his and a hand resting gently on his chest as she too tried to recover. Being someone who was only just learning about the more pleasant aspects of life, the intimacy they had just shared had completely blown his mind. He never knew that anything could make him feel so damn good. So wanted. So _alive_.

The evening had started off with a nice dinner and pleasant conversation. Afterwards, just like in one of the dreams he had described to her in his letter, they went to see a movie. It sucked horribly so they engaged in the preordained popcorn fight and, much to their delight, they succeeded in pissing off the rest of the patrons. Next came the karaoke club and while they did indeed sing badly, they had a riot doing it. They walked back to her place hand in hand, laughing at themselves and just enjoying the simple act of being together.

When they got back to the apartment they found that they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. They had discussed it before that they wanted this moment to come on its own and be spontaneous. They wanted it to just happen without either of them pushing it along and they got their wish. Their simple enjoyment of just being together and their easy, natural interaction with each other led them into the moment and they let it carry them along.

Being his first time doing anything like this, Shinji was nervous and he was surprised to find that Misato was as well. He was nervous because it was his first time, while she was nervous because it wasn't hers. It was the last vestiges of her self loathing trying to stick its nose where it didn't belong, making her wonder what Shinji would think of her later. She sincerely wished that it was her first time, it would have been a better and more cherished way to lose her virginity than the way she had given herself to Kaji.

She beat down that self loathing and decided that she would always think of this as her first time because she was no longer the same person she had been when she met Kaji. She was a different person now. She was stronger and she was no longer seeking to make herself dirty. She was giving herself to Shinji because they truly loved each other and neither of them were afraid to admit it.

Their clothes were left strewn around the apartment as roaming hands and deep, soul touching kisses ignited their passion. Shinji found himself in awe of the unclothed beauty before him. True, he had seen her naked before, but those times had been accidental. This time around it was because he had removed the clothes from her gorgeous body with is own two, nervously shaking hands and she had been so understanding of his nervousness.

He had removed her shirt and was about to unhook the front of her bra when he froze up. Touching her through her clothes had been one thing, but touching the flesh itself was a different game somehow. It was more _real_. She already had his shirt open and placed her hand on his bare chest, over his heart, and assured him that it was okay for him to touch her. She wanted him to touch her. It calmed him and he continued to undress her.

He found himself filled with a sense of disbelieving wonderment. She was so beautiful, warm, and soft. He was touching and tasting her, his hands, lips and tongue going places he had only dreamt about. And the kicker was that she was doing the same thing to him. It hit him like a bolt of lightning.

'_My god, I'm actually making love to Misato!"_

And he thought that he must have been doing something right because if the sounds she was making were any indication, she was enjoying it.

She made him feel sensations that he didn't even know existed. It was so incredible that he was at a complete loss to describe it. He was engulfed in a euphoric fog of heat and pleasure as their sweat soaked bodies moved against one another. He had no idea if she thought it was anywhere near as good as he did, but he did know that he never wanted to _not_ feel this way. He knew that he would never be able to get enough of this or enough of her. When he eventually began to convulse within her, he nearly blacked out from the sensory overload.

When Misato reached her orgasm, it hit her like a runaway freight train. Shinji was no idiot, he knew that it wasn't likely that his raw and unrefined skills as a lover had made her go off like that. But it sure as hell was exciting and immensely gratifying to see and to think that he had some part in it. He knew she hadn't been with anyone in over three and a half years, not since Kaji, and that her anticipation of this day's eventuality had left her primed to go off like an N2 bomb.

But that didn't mean that he wasn't going to take a certain sense of pride out of the experience. After all, it was _his_ name that sprang from her lips when she cried out in ecstasy. It was _his_ shoulder that bore the marks of her teeth, and it was _his_ back that she dug her fingernails into. It was _him_ that she said she loved with all of her heart.

His recollections were pleasantly cut off as his beautiful, purple haired lover, rolled over onto him and kissed him deeply.

"I guess what they say is true," she said. "The shy ones really do make the best lovers."

He chuckled lightly. "Thanks for stroking my ego Misa-chan, but I know I wasn't _that_ good."

"Then you must have natural talent," she smiled as she began to run the fingers of her left hand through his damp hair, which seemed to make a pleasant little feeling run down his spine. "Because for it being your first time, you were pretty good."

And she wasn't lying.

Sure, he was nervous and maybe a bit clumsy at first, but what he lacked in experience he more than made up for with the depth of his feelings for her, his gentle nature, and his apparent and enthusiastic willingness to please her, even as she gently guided him along. She considered herself a lucky woman. Shinji loved her deeply and she knew that he was going to be a generous and caring lover. It meant more to her than she could put into words.

She kissed him again and slowly worked her way down his neck and to his left shoulder where she had accidentally bit him. She kissed the wound lightly.

"Sorry Shinji," she apologized. "You were so gentle with me and I kind of roughed you up." She hadn't broken the skin, but he was going to have a pretty good sized hickey on top of his shoulder for a while. Not to mention that she knew she had raked his back pretty good with her fingernails.

He wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. "I'll wear my scars proudly. You once told me that chicks dig scars, right?"

"You don't need to have scars to turn me on or make me love you Shinji," she whispered in his ear. "You just have to be you. I love you."

He kissed her neck. "I love you too Misato, just the way you are."

"Sweaty and naked?" she asked teasingly, as she wiggled her hips against him. Much to her delight his face turned red as she felt his body begin to respond.

His voice cracked as he responded. "That too."

* * *

If anybody had told them when they first met that they would end up together and so deeply in love, they would have told them they were insane. At the time, neither of them knew much else but pain and loneliness and saw little else in their future. They were both broken in their own way and were just feeling their way along through the miseries of their lives.

But, love was indeed a powerful thing. It could mend a broken heart and a broken soul and it could allow two people to bring out the best in one another. It could bring people together under even the most trying of circumstances. Sometimes that's what it took to make true love shine through and bring people together and let them heal those wounds of the heart and soul.

And maybe, some souls were just meant to find each other and be together.

* * *

A/N: How was that? I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing both chapters of this.

Let me know what you think, and go ahead and please check out my other stories. You know how to find them.


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